Becoming a Redemptorist: Give it a Year
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August 7, 2023The summer before I was slated to fly up to New York to begin my first year in seminary I was a nervous wreck, of course having second thoughts about everything. My mind was racing, and I was slowly convincing myself that perhaps I was making the wrong decision.
Fr. Steve Wilson sat across the table from me in the rectory at Blessed Seelos in Biloxi, MS. He had a disarming smile on his face – like he always did – as he tried to settle down my fears. I told him that I worried about my past, and didn’t think that I would ultimately become a good priest. I worried that I was making the wrong decision, and I would regret leaving my hometown and my career. My years in the military had trained me for many situations, but nothing could prepare me for entering the seminary.
After I had laid out all my concerns and worries, Fr. Steve looked directly at me and said that I was not so different than he was when he entered. He explained, “Cody, we all feel this way. The fear of the unknown is what makes us human. You are not alone in this experience. Many of us have felt the very same way.” He went on to add something that has stuck with me through all the hardships that I have experienced that I will remember forever: “My son, if you do not give this a try, you will regret this moment for the rest of your life.
You will always think back and ask if you made the right choice. No one just thinks of becoming a priest or a brother as a normal option. It takes a certain individual to think of such a thing, and it takes a considerable person to answer that call. All I ask is that you give it a year.”
If things didn’t work out, he said, I could come back home and feel better that I had tried. At that moment I promised him that I would do just that. After all, I had known Fr. Steve since I was thirteen, and he had never steered me wrong.
I flew up to New York to begin my first semester at St. John’s and my first year in the seminary. I was nervous, but I settled in quickly with the help of the other students. Our initial retreat helped broaden my perspective of what I could expect from my coming year in the Bronx. The formators began to teach us what it means to live in community, to explore our spirituality, and to connect with God on a deeper level. Coming from the small town of Biloxi, the Bronx was definitely a life changing experience. Though the surrounding areas around the parish are a bit rough, the vibrant life and multiple cultures definitely give the city a life of its own.
The parishioners at Immaculate Conception were quite warm and welcoming to the seminarians, and I found myself speaking with them after Mass whenever I had the chance. The other priests assigned to the Bronx at the time were quite joyful as well. They demonstrated what Redemptorists do best in their mission environment.
I wasn’t the best student in life before the seminary. I was always so busy in my years in college that I was never able to give the fullest attention to my studies. I had always regretted not being able to truly demonstrate my ability to learn and grasp concepts. It felt like attending St. John’s was a massive do-over button. Being back in a learning environment was both nerve wracking and overwhelmingly satisfying.
I was introduced to philosophical concepts that captured my interest and desire to learn. I felt a renewed spark within myself to learn as much as I could. The professors were quite enthusiastic about their areas of study and helped foster that enthusiasm in us.
We shared engaging conversations that helped challenge our way of thinking and broaden our abilities to understand complex concepts. The other students and I leaned on one another for support during tough examinations and tutoring. I proved to myself that not only did I still have the capacity to learn, but I also had the natural desire to excel in my studies.
The beautiful thing about the seminary is its way of helping with spiritual growth. Prior to entering formation, I was admittedly weak in my own faith. There were things in my relationship with God that I could not understand.
The hardships and trials that I experienced were a mystery to me, and I did not understand the greater picture. Why would God allow me to experience such things? Why would I be allowed to suffer through such hardships? Where was God in all of this? But every day I was in the Bronx or on retreat, some of those questions slowly began to be answered. In part, I found the hardships and trials that I faced in my younger years to be amazing experiences to draw upon when ministering to others. I was able to form real connections with parishioners and people of all walks of life.
To them, it was refreshing to meet a seminarian who had truly lived a life. To me, it was a reminder that we are all alike and that we depend on one another to help grow every day.
I could see God in all the relationships that I was forming. I would offer compassion and insight to those around me to remind them that God truly cares about their struggles. We all have our struggles and shortcomings, but as Catholics we make a choice to do better each day.
During my time in the seminary as well as the past eighteen years of my life, Fr. Steve and Fr. Chuong Cao have been there for me spiritually. Whenever I needed someone to talk to, Fr. Steve was quick to settle my thoughts.
He always knew what to say to put me at ease. With finals coming to a close, I could only think about going to Seattle to spend time with my favorite mentor. However, I had gotten the call that things were turning for the worst. My heart sank and I felt lost again in that moment. What was I to do if I lost my mentor? He was one of the main reasons I joined the seminary in the first place. He called to speak with me and talk about the situation.
We were both disappointed, but he was at peace with the whole situation. I could hear the pain in his voice at times as he struggled to talk. He refused to focus the conversation on him. How are you doing, my son? How has your experience been this year? How is your vocation? Do you still feel called? His questions should have made me feel unsure. I feel as though I shouldn’t been so resolute in my answer, but I merely told him that I have never been so sure in my life. I am glad that I made this decision, and I am glad I keep saying yes every day. This seemed to put him at ease, and our conversation then turned to laughs. Little did I know, this would be the last time I would talk with him.
Our community left for the Student Gathering to spend time bonding with the other students. The Redemptorist Retreat House in Oconomowoc is on a beautiful lakeside property that offers every bit of solitude and fosters contemplation. It was a joyous experience to bond with both seminarians I knew and forge new friendships.
We explored Chapel Hill and even took a trip out onto the lake in some kayaks. It was truly a great way to end a trying semester. That Wednesday before we left, I received the news that Fr. Steve had passed. My heart sank, and once more I felt lost. My only thoughts were to get to Seattle to be there for Fr. Chuong, as I had promised Fr. Steve. I accompanied Fr. Chuong during one of the most emotional and trying moments of my life.
Saying goodbye to the man I considered to be a father was one of the most difficult things I had ever had to do. But even though he is no longer here physically, I know that Fr. Steve will always be at my side.
After the funeral, I flew to Baltimore, MD, to begin my summer assignment. Fr. Ako Walker and the Sacred Heart of Jesus community welcomed me with open arms. They were all quite accommodating to my loss, and offered much needed support. Fr. Ako kept me busy helping out at the daily Masses during the week.
The parishioners at Sacred Heart of Jesus also welcomed me – a seminarian who had experienced a myriad of hardships and trials. I found in them a community of welcoming and loving people who cared for their priests and seminarians. They shared with me their culture and lives, which helped me truly connect with those that I was serving. Sacred Heart of Jesus became a home away from home, and the parishioners became my extended family. The smiles on their faces when they saw us daily helped me to confirm that I was where I was meant to be.
Coming up on the anniversary of when I left Biloxi to start at the seminary, I reflect on my spiritual journey thus far. I am the same person, but I have gained a greater appreciation for the people in my life. I have a greater appreciation for those we minister to, as well as a greater appreciation for those I serve alongside. I am glad that I made the decision to join the seminary, and I’m glad that I am continuing in the formation process.
I look forward to meeting new students and spending another year in the Bronx with my brothers. I look forward to my continued spiritual growth, and I look forward to forging new bonds with those around me. No matter how hard the journey may get, I know that I will always have Fr. Steve behind me, cheering me on.
(In memory of Fr. Steven Neel Wilson, C.Ss.R. You are missed.)
